


please don't ever become a stranger

by inthearmsoftheocean



Category: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
Genre: Angst and Fluff and Smut, Angst with a Happy Ending, Facials, Frottage, Internalized Homophobia, Kissing, M/M, Mutual Masturbation, Mutual Pining, Plot What Plot/Porn Without Plot, Pre-Season/Series 05, so pre-breakup and before dennis explains his system to the rest of the gang
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-24
Updated: 2018-10-24
Packaged: 2019-08-06 13:17:38
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,129
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16388432
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/inthearmsoftheocean/pseuds/inthearmsoftheocean
Summary: based onthis post: "dennis probably invited mac for threesomes with his conquest of the night in the early days but had to stop because theyd end up doing shit and the girl would just be sitting there, bored"





	please don't ever become a stranger

Dennis fished his keys out of his pocket while standing in the hallway of his building, smiling over his shoulder at his newest conquest — Hannah? Heather? — as he unlocked the door. “I’m so glad you came back to my place,” he said, laying it on thick for the gorgeous blonde who still believed tube tops were in fashion. “I had no idea Lorenzo’s closed in ‘92. Warn a guy, you know?”

“That’s okay,” she said as she placed a small, manicured hand on his shoulder. “You know, I’m not really crazy about Italian food anyway.”

“Me neither,” Dennis agreed, wrinkling his nose in mock distaste. “Carbs. Who needs ‘em?”

She wasn’t necessarily the brightest woman he’d ever met, and they weren’t at all compatible beyond their mutual physical attraction, but she was a perfect fit for what he needed that night — an airhead who wouldn’t see through his latest plot. The rest didn’t matter.

Dennis opened the door to his shared apartment and beamed when he found Mac on their sofa, fake glasses pushed high on his nose and a pizza box near his feet propped up on the coffee table.

“Hey there! I wasn’t expecting you to be home,” Dennis exclaimed, hurrying over and plopping down beside him on the couch so he and Mac were shoulder-to-shoulder. “Mac, I want you to meet…” He trailed off briefly as he gestured to the woman while she looked for a place to put her purse, but recovered quickly. “I want you to meet this beautiful creature who was gracious enough to join us tonight.”

“I don’t think you’re supposed to call them creatures, dude,” Mac whispered, to which Dennis responded by elbowing Mac in the ribs.

“This is my roommate, Mac,” Dennis continued, patting his friend on the back and putting on his best megawatt smile again. “He’s a great guy, I’m sure you two will get a kick out of each other.”

“Cute place,” the blonde replied, seemingly not hearing Dennis. She was more interested in the strange items hanging from the walls, turning slowly in a full circle before settling into a chair facing the end of the coffee table. “So, what do you guys wanna do?”

Dennis raised his eyebrows at the direct question and the opening it presented, turning to Mac as if he were genuinely looking for ideas. “Well, Mac ordered pizza if you’re hungry.”

“Dennis, you already know I don’t like Italian food,” she giggled.

“Doesn’t like Italian food, right,” Dennis said, smacking himself on the forehead and laughing. “Can’t believe I forgot that. I guess we’ll just have to find some other way to pass the time, then.”

“You know, If you think our living room is nice, you should see Dennis’ bedroom,” Mac jumped in, nodding his head toward the door behind him. “His bed is _so_ comfortable. If you work out a lot and you get sore muscles like I do, it’s like sleeping on a pile of kittens.”

The woman looked to Dennis with mild confusion, but another soft laugh bubbled past her lips. “Yeah, sure. I’ll try out your bed if you want.”

Dennis, who had previously tensed up against Mac at his transparent attempt, allowed himself to relax when — Hailey? Was it Hailey? — was actually swayed by Mac’s less-than-subtle method of seduction.

“Great, that’s great news!” He replied, giving Mac’s shoulder a squeeze and watching him closely, trying to sell the idea that they hadn’t planned this out long before they ever crossed her path. “But, uh… Well, we’ve never done this, but I was wondering if perhaps you wouldn’t mind Mac here trying out the bed too... With us.”

“Yeah, whatever,” the woman replied easily, already closing the bedroom door behind herself.

Once she was out of earshot, Dennis gleefully punched Mac in the shoulder. “Yes! I can’t believe she agreed to it.”

“You have no idea how long I’ve been waiting for this,” Mac sighed in relief. “How is it so hard to find a girl who wants a threesome? Who in the world doesn’t want to be railed by two guys at once? It doesn’t make any sense, bro.”

“How anyone could pass up having both of us at the same time is beyond me.”

“All right, let’s have some pizza, warm up and we’ll get back to… Do you seriously not know what her name is?” Mac asked.

“Okay, first of all, it was a crowded place, lots of noise, and her name isn’t important,” Dennis said. “And we’re not having pizza right now. We have a solid eight and a half in there waiting for us and she’ll fall asleep if we leave her in there for too long. You’re right about my mattress, Mac, it feels like a cloud. Ten minutes on that thing by herself and she’ll be out like a light.”

“But it’ll get cold if we don’t eat it now,” Mac sulked.

Dennis exhaled impatiently. He shifted his upper body in Mac’s direction and cradled Mac’s face in his hands, rubbing gentle circles into his jaw with his thumbs. “Do you know how much time it could take to find another girl like her?” He murmured, staring into Mac’s eyes to bring his focus back to the matter at hand. He only then realized that Mac was still wearing his fake glasses, so he took them off and set them aside so they could be used again later for their next scheme. “We’re not gonna ruin our chances of having a threesome to eat pizza again, okay, Mac?”

“I guess we could microwave it later,” Mac agreed, suddenly perking up as he remembered something. “Oh, I rented Rocky IV too. We can watch it together after she’s gone.”

Dennis grinned, giving Mac’s cheek a little pat. “Sounds like a plan, buddy.”

He climbed to his feet, offered Mac a hand to help him up and rested it on the small of his back as he escorted him into his bedroom.

“Took you guys long enough,” the woman said as they emerged. She was laying on her stomach facing the foot of the bed, her chin balanced in her hands and her ankles crossed as they hovered over her mini skirt. “I was starting to wonder if you changed your minds.”

“No, no, no,” Dennis quickly assured her, closing the door behind Mac. “Leave a cutie like you in here by herself? Never.”

Mac toed off his shoes while Dennis spoke and flopped unceremoniously down on the mattress. “Isn’t this just super comfortable?” He asked, conspiring like she was his new friend at a slumber party. “No problem fitting all three of us on it, either.”

“Yeah, it’s really something,” Dennis said, already bored by the amount of mattress talk even if it was part of what had coaxed her into the threesome in the first place. He made quick work of shedding his clothes, watching Mac raise himself onto his elbows for a better view as he stripped and left himself in just a pair of gray boxer briefs.

“Want us to get naked too?” She piped up.

“No,” Dennis assured her, making his way over to join them with a cocky look in his eye. “No, I want to undress you myself.”

The woman hummed in approval, climbing to her knees. She held her hands out in anticipation, either to have her clothes torn off or carefully removed piece by piece, but to her visible dismay, Dennis crossed over to Mac’s side of the bed instead and climbed on top of him.

“You ready for this, baby boy?” Dennis murmured.

Mac’s answer came in the form of running his hands along Dennis’ sides, taking the opportunity to admire his body up close. “Fuck yeah.”

With those words, Dennis clasped Mac’s face in his hands again and lowered his head, capturing his lips in a soft, desperate kiss. He sought access to his mouth within moments, tangling their tongues together when Mac instinctively tried to take control. Dennis eventually became impatient as Mac ran his hands up and down his bare back, unable to let him have all the fun of touching him, so he reluctantly broke the kiss to rest on Mac’s thighs and pull his shirt over his head, carelessly tossing it off the side of the bed.

“You look great, dude,” Dennis praised. He traveled the length of Mac’s firm abdomen with his fingertips and squeezed the muscles in his biceps. “Have you been working out more?”

“Every day, bro.”

“It’s showing.” Dennis opened his mouth to compliment Mac’s body even further, knowing that it got him worked up like almost nothing else, but he was interrupted by Mac drawing him closer and kissing his chest because it was at his eye level. He tried hard to suppress his laughter as the coarse hair tickled his skin, but was ultimately unsuccessful.

“Mac, you’re gonna give me beard burn.”

“Better here than your thighs, right?” Mac asked, rubbing his chin against Dennis’ soft skin just to tease him. “Or do you want to walk around the bar all bow-legged tomorrow?”

“I was kind of hoping I’d be walking around bow-legged tomorrow anyway,” Dennis replied. He tilted Mac’s chin up again and stole another kiss, hoping to distract him and prevent a red rash across his chest for days to come. “Think you got a few rounds in you tonight, baby?”

“Yeah,” Mac said, though Dennis suddenly grinding down against him caused it to sound more like a half-moan. 

Proud of how he had turned Mac into a groaning, shivering mess in just a matter of minutes without even taking the man’s jeans off, Dennis shifted a little to give himself a better angle before he dipped his thumb into the waistband of his Calvin Klein’s. He took his time, feeling Mac’s hungry gaze burning against him, and lowered the fabric until his cock finally popped out, red and leaking and achingly hard. 

Mac had already taken himself out of his jeans before Dennis could address that problem himself, moving so quickly that Dennis expected his button to pop off and go flying across the room. It was far from the first time he had seen Mac’s cock, but he couldn’t help but admire it anyway, taking the curved length in his hand and giving him a few slow strokes aided by the slick of his precome. 

“Wait." 

Dennis knit his brow, confused as to why Mac would want him to stop when the fun was just beginning, but his question was almost immediately answered when Mac gently grasped his wrist to move it away and shifted closer to Dennis. Without breaking eye contact, Mac wrapped his fingers around both of their cocks and slowly started to rub them together.

Dennis was no stranger to handjobs, either from himself or from the few naïve women he took to bed who believed he would be satisfied that way, but Mac was the only man he had ever frotted with before. Mac’s cock sliding against his own in the pressure of his tight fist was infinitely better than what those women or even he alone could provide. It was a shame that he had to go searching for a woman willing to join a threesome every time he wanted to enjoy it, but it was well worth the time and effort when Mac was staring at him like he was the only man in the world. 

He braced his hands on Mac’s shoulders and rested their foreheads together, a few soft, breathy noises escaping his lips. Unable to stay still any longer, he raised his hips from where he was resting in Mac’s lap to thrust into his hand, keeping his motions slight but finding himself moaning all the same. 

“I’m almost there, Den,” Mac said, his voice hitching as his pleasure spiked. 

Dennis cut him off before he could say anything else by devouring his mouth in a passionate kiss. Mac moaned against his lips within moments as he spilled between them, coming all over his fist, their cocks and both of their stomachs. 

Dennis laughed breathlessly against Mac’s lips while he came down from his climax. His kisses turned sweeter as he carded his fingers through Mac’s thick hair, pressed together from mouths to chests to cocks to thighs. It was almost painful to part with him, but Dennis quickly regained his cool composure as he leaned back and climbed to his knees once more. 

“You didn’t come,” Mac noticed. He reached for Dennis’ cock again, but Dennis stopped him with a hand on his chest that pushed him down until he was laying flat on the bed. 

“There are other ways you can help get me off,” Dennis purred. With a leg on either side of Mac, he made his way up his body until he was straddling his broad chest, his cock still jutting out obscenely. With Mac staring up at him with big, puppy dog eyes, Dennis took himself in hand and began to jerk off again, this time aiming straight at Mac’s mouth. 

Mac, to his credit, looked nothing short of delighted about the new turn of events. Though he had only just come moments earlier, the pure arousal was clear in his gaze as he refused to take his eyes off of him, and Dennis no longer had any doubts as to whether or not Mac could handle more than one round that night. 

With Mac’s hands on his hips and the overwhelming, slightly disturbing need to mark Mac as his own, Dennis released a long, low moan as his balls tightened and his orgasm washed over him. Mac stuck out his tongue as soon as Dennis reached his peak and Dennis aimed for it, coming across his mouth, his cheek and even the tip of his nose. 

Dennis collapsed on top of Mac when he was finished, worn out from the first of several bouts they would have that night. Mac’s heart pounded beneath him in time with his own, and once they both slowed to a semi-normal state, he raised his head only to laugh at the sight of Mac with come on his nose. 

“What? What is it?” Mac asked, always defensive when his pride was involved. 

In response, Dennis scooped up the little glob of his own seed and sucked it off the tip of his finger. 

Mac’s eyes widened comically, but before Dennis could tease him about not sharing, he looked around the room and seemed to notice something was missing. “Hey, where’s that girl?”

“What do you mean? She’s…” Dennis began, looking over to the other side of the bed and finding it empty. “That’s weird. She’s probably smoking out on the fire escape or something.”

“Maybe you should go check,” Mac said, worry clear in his voice. “What if she’s already gone?”

“She wouldn’t leave. She’s in the middle of a threesome with two of the sexiest guys in Philadelphia.” Dennis grabbed some tissues from the nightstand and cleaned the come off of his body before he tugged his underwear back up and climbed off the bed. “I’ll go check. Stay here, clean yourself off.”

When Dennis opened the door to the living room, he found the blonde hunched over the windowsill, staring down at the quiet street below. “Hey there, beautiful,” he said in his most charming, ‘come sleep with me’ tone. “Need a little air after all of that excitement?”

“I’m waiting for a cab,” she answered, not looking up. 

“What? Why? You’re leaving so soon?”

“You and your boyfriend looked like you were having plenty of fun without me.”

Dennis scoffed. “Wh-wh- That doesn’t- He’s not my boyfriend! We’re not gay!”

The woman finally looked at him with her most skeptical expression. “Is that why you told him you wanted to be walking around bow-legged tomorrow?”

“It’s not gay,” Dennis repeated. “You were there, so it’s a completely heterosexual situation. You must be confused because you’ve never experienced a threesome before.”

“Actually, I’ve been in plenty of threesomes,” she said, pausing and rising up on her toes to watch the cab roll by beneath her and stop in front of their building. “But never one where no one took my clothes off or even kissed me because they were too busy with each other.”

She moved from the window and grabbed her purse from beside the chair, tossing it onto her shoulder as she beelined straight for the front door. 

“Heidi, wait, we can talk about this!” Dennis called after her. 

“My name is Rebecca!” She yelled back just before the sound of a door slamming echoed through the apartment. 

Mac emerged from his room shortly after, poking his head out uneasily. “Is she gone?”

“Yeah,” Dennis sighed in defeat, listening as her footsteps grew quieter while she stomped down the hall. 

“Dude." Mac closed the bedroom door and started to wring his hands, looking to the exit as if he were actually contemplating chasing after her. “What are we gonna do?”

“Maybe, uh…” Dennis replied, pinching the bridge of his nose and choosing his words carefully. “Maybe we shouldn’t do these threesomes anymore, bro. For all we know she’s gonna be running around town and telling everyone we’re gay. It’s ridiculous, but we both know how hysterical women can get.”

“She wasn’t even that cute,” Mac replied, blowing air through his lips like a horse. “But that means we can’t do anything else tonight, right?”

“Oh, of course not. If she’s not here, that would be really gay,” Dennis answered as if it were the most obvious thing in the world. “That’s what she didn’t understand.”

“Yeah, what an idiot,” Mac agreed in a mumble, staring down at his toes. “Well, if the threesome is over, I guess we could still watch Rocky IV.”

Dennis stepped forward and clapped Mac on the back. “Totally, man. That’ll be way more fun than sleeping with that dead fish.” 

Hours later, with an empty pizza box on the table in front of them and John Cafferty belting his heart out over the end credits just a few clicks above mute, Dennis glanced down to the man sleeping soundly against his side. 

“Mac?” Dennis whispered. 

There was no response but the sound of his quiet snoring. 

Dennis hesitated just for a moment before he moved, stretching out his long legs across the sofa and draping a knitted blanket over the both of them just to keep Mac from bitching about being cold when he woke up in the morning. With Dennis’ arm wrapped around his torso, Mac instinctively pressed his nose into the space between his neck and his shoulder as he slept. 

“Good night, Mac.”

**Author's Note:**

> thanks to @versmac for the inspiration! 
> 
> find me @albertsrosenfield on tumblr


End file.
